Proving that I am not entirely just a bastard full of hate, here's a photo of a turtle. A tewwdul. Say it. Like that.
There is a pond just outside of my parents' house, and in there live some very very large goldfish, large enough that the local falcon in Hampden ate one once. This falcon was devouring a pigeon in my parents' yard on this part very rainy Christmas day. Freaky. Reminds me a Mordecai from The Royal Tenenbaums, except Mordecai never ate any other birds (say bewds) in that film. Anyway, peacefully co-existing with the fish is a painted turtle named Slider. He's very old. This is him.